While I wait for sleep

As I lay in bed, half closed eyes, hoping sleep would arrive soon, I remembered that I no longer had something to look forward to in the morning.

The children had all left (they were no longer children) and the house felt empty, no noises into the night, no crying baby I had to run to. The comfort of the frequent presence of steps running around no longer exists.

What could I do now but read a novel with a cup of tea in my hands and hope for a phone call. Maybe soon I´d have grand-children, maybe they would visit in the summer and I would have once again the beautiful sound of children playing in the yards. But no, I did not hope for such. Even if my children were to have children, would I still be here to meet them? Or would the emptiness fill me so that by then I would no longer be myself?

Sleep is finally arriving, and my eyelids are finally surrendering to the darkness of the night. Good night, I whisper to the silence.

Another day, filled with nothingness. No news today. My reading progressed as time seemed to stand by. Is this all I can offer the world now? No, I know it is not? Perhaps I could write? Put into words the thoughts my mind never stops to make and follow the advice of Virginia Woolf, did she not encourage woman to write? So I will follow the grand writer, and I shall do as she said… I shall write…

Another day, another night. I tried to follow my determination of writing today. Easier said than done, I believe. At least I tried. The emptiness still surrounds me, but writing makes me feel better, perhaps it is the solution, perhaps it is not.

A full day of writing. Jane Austen would be proud for I do not have to hide what I write, as she did. No news from the children. Loneliness attacks at night, once again. Why is the silence of the night so silent? Where are the fairies that should be dancing away in the garden? The ones we used to see as children? The ones we dream of and create tales about? Where is the Fairy Godmother that will save us all and take us to our beloved prince?

“Good night, Fairy Godmother, I know you hide in the shadows, and look after the young children with special ardor, I only ask that you don´t forget the old, as we too need magic, and light, and hope”.

Have they forgotten, as I have forgotten myself? Another long day and no news of my children. The house feels even emptier as I walk their rooms. I wonder where they are, if they are happy.  As I put my beloved cup of tea down (the one I got for mother´s day, so many years past), a tear rolls from my face. I am tired of this lowliness. My family is no longer mine, they have their own family. I am now a distant relation to go visit and call during festive days. I have no more purpose, no more reason. I must sleep, tomorrow will be a new day.

Another day, no news, I keep writing, keep living… News will come, I am sure.

“Fairy Godmother, where are you? There, there you are!”.